


Find Your Soul

by mikor1n



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, deaf!Haru, hinted RinHaru, marine biologist!haru, mermaid au, mermaid!makoto
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-07
Updated: 2015-06-23
Packaged: 2018-04-03 08:23:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4093897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikor1n/pseuds/mikor1n
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nothing could've been a better job for Nanase Haruka than being a marine biologist. He practically lived in the water - where he felt he belonged. And in the water, it doesn't matter that he can't hear. He's on the search for what the townspeople have said was a 'mermaid,' but he doesn't quite believe it. Not until he sees one for himself. And when he does... he's not sure that he wants to share.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. i.

Haru liked to imagine what the roar of the engine would sound like, what the sound of the waves slapping against the boat sounded like. 

But judging by the look on Rei’s face, it wasn’t pleasant, and he wasn’t missing much. Rei asked something loudly, cupping his hands over his mouth to heighten the sound. 

Haru’s gaze flickered to the captain, Rin, who held up a single finger. He guessed that they would be there soon. Haru was already ready, suited up in his scuba gear. He was the only one going under today, but the rest of the team had come for moral support. His team was the closest thing to a family that he had, and them being around settled his nerves greatly. 

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and he turned around to see Nagisa. “Are you ready, Haru-chan?” he asked. Haru had gotten quite good at reading lips, but the entire team had gone out of their way to learn sign language for him as well. Haru felt quite lucky for that. 

Haru nodded, giving a slight smile. He was excited - and that was an understatement. He felt like a fish out of water, sitting up on the boat like this. He was itching to dive in, and it was hard to keep himself from jumping in without the signal. But he couldn’t risk his equipment not being quite ready. 

The boat came to a halt, and Rin stood up from his seat. Haru couldn’t help but fidget. It was almost time to jump in. But he wasn’t sure what he would find, or if he would even find anything. He’d heard rumours of a mermaid sighting, but that was ridiculous, he thought. Mermaids weren’t real. But he had to fuel his curiosity. There had to be something out there, something that was making people think of mermaids. 

“Ready, Haru?” Rin asked, flashing his sharp teeth at Haru. 

That was a stupid question; he was always ready. But instead, Haru nodded his head, letting Rin help him with his oxygen tank. He had about an hour of time in the ocean, which truthfully wasn’t as much as he would’ve wanted, but they were tight on resources for the day. They were stuck with only the basic scuba gear, but Haru didn’t care. It was better than nothing. 

Once he was given the go-ahead by the others, he sat on the edge, giving a thumbs up before letting himself tip off the edge. He was plunged into the water, and immediately, he felt at home.

Why couldn’t he live in the ocean? He didn’t want to leave. But he had an hour. That hour would go by far too quickly, but it was an hour that he was going to make the best of. 

He could only go about 60 - 80 feet in, but that was enough for him. From what he’d researched about mermaids, they didn’t live too far down anyway. He snorted to himself. He couldn’t believe he was actually entertaining this as a true possibility. But he was curious as to what it was that people had seen. 

He allowed himself the first few minutes to just relax. He closed his eyes, stretching his arms out and letting himself slowly float down. Fish swam past him, and he opened his eyes slightly, the flash of fins passing him bringing a smile to his lips. 

If only he had fins. 

But his thoughts were interrupted by a bright blue flash of tail - a much larger tail than just the tiny fish that had passed him before. Haru’s eyes shot open. His first thought was mermaid, but he quickly pushed that thought away. What if it was a shark? 

His heart hammered against his ribs. He couldn’t decide whether to distance himself or to move in closer. He wanted to find out what it was, but what if whatever it was could kill him? 

The only thing was, it was such a vivid, vibrant blue - a blue hue that no shark or whale could possibly possess. His lips pursed, and he tried to make himself scarce, hiding himself behind a school of fish that didn’t seem to notice his presence. 

And there it was again. That slight flash of tail. But this time, it was accompanied by something, something that Haru had to squint to see. 

An arm. 

That was most definitely an arm. “Oh my god.” He mouthed the words - it wasn’t as if he could hear them anyway. But Haru contained his excitement, keeping as still as he possibly could. 

The creature seemed to feel safe. It emerged from the darkness of the deeper sea, and Haru could’ve sworn that his heart actually jumped into his throat. If that wasn’t a mermaid, he didn’t know what was. 

Haru flinched as the school of fish surrounding him dissipated, and his eyes locked with the mermaid’s. Or… merman’s. He most definitely hadn’t expected a man. The merman’s striking green eyes wavered with fear, but he didn’t move. He simply floated there, arms resting at an angle from his brilliant blue tailfin. 

He was beautiful. 

Haru gulped. But much to Haru’s surprise, the merman gave a shy wave, a smile pulling at his lips. His smile was so beautiful, too - Haru didn’t know how he would function. The merman had an ethereal sort of beauty, a beauty that no human could possibly know. But manifested in male form… Haru had heard of mermaids and sirens seducing human men to drag them to their deaths in the murky depths of the ocean, and at the moment, he was sure that he would let this one do just that. 

“I won’t hurt you.” He tried mouthing the words to the merman, but he couldn’t assume that he would understand Japanese. He did live in the seas off the coast of Japan, but who knew how much human interaction these mermaids even had? 

The merman nodded, giving an even brighter smile than before. He understood. Haru didn’t know how, but he actually understood. Haru lifted a hand to clamp over his mouth in an attempt to conceal the bright grin that had pulled across his lips. 

The merman moved closer to Haru, but carefully. It was obvious that he was nervous, but intrigued, just as Haru was. He reached out, and it just felt right to Haru to follow suit. Their fingertips brushed, and the merman flinched, immediately pulling his arm back. His eyes grew wide, as if he hadn’t expected to be able to feel Haru. Haru’s arm hovered in the water, hand still outstretched toward the beautiful merman. 

Haru had only blinked, and the merman was gone. 

He was left feeling almost empty - he wanted to see more. He wanted to see the merman again. He thought about following him, but Haru hadn’t even seen the direction he’d gone in. There was no hope for finding him again. 

But he’d found something. No one was making anything up. There truly were merpeople down here, and now, it was up to Haru to truly discover them. He had to find out more. But more importantly, Haru needed to see him again. 

He didn’t think he cared about the other merpeople. The only one he cared about was his merman. Haru just wanted to see him again. He had been so… beautiful, more beautiful than any other human Haru had ever seen. 

Once he felt the oxygen in his tank thinning out, Haru headed back to the surface. His mind was heavy with the thoughts of the merman. Of all the things that he’d seen while he was down there - all the various fish, all the beautiful flora - the only thing he cared about was the merman. 

As soon as his head broke the surface, Nagisa hurried to the edge of the boat, reaching his hands out for Haru to take. Haru took them, using them to pull himself up onto the boat. He pulled off his mask, gasping slightly for breath. Canned oxygen was nothing compared to breathing real air. 

“Did you find anything cool, Haru-chan?” Nagisa asked, his bright visage just as bright as ever. His eyes were wide. He’d been excited about the mermaid rumour ever since Haru had mentioned it. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Haru saw Rei and Rin move in closer, both wanting to hear what Haru had to say. But Haru found himself suddenly on the spot. He found himself not wanting to divulge information about his merman. He was his. What if the others wanted to come with Haru after finding out that there really were merpeople down there? 

His mouth grew dry, and he shook his head. “Nothing,” he signed, giving a slight shrug. “I don’t think there are merpeople here.” But he needed a reason to go back. If he said there really was nothing here, they’d move on. And he didn’t want to go searching anywhere else. 

“But maybe… if we get better equipment, I can get down a little lower. I think I might’ve seen something.” He felt silly, being so selfish. He wanted to find out about the merpeople on his own, and he definitely didn’t want the others to meet his merman. 

Haru just wished that he knew his name. 

Rei murmured something that Haru didn’t quite catch. Rei was always a quiet man, which made it infinitely harder for Haru to catch what he was saying. And he often forgot to sign, which he knew wasn’t intentional. 

He looked up, eyes widening slightly before signing, “I’ll bring us better equipment tomorrow.” He gave Haru an apologetic smile, and Haru nodded. 

Tomorrow. They’d go back tomorrow.


	2. ii.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Encounter number two with the elusive merman.

Haru sighed, reaching a hand up to rake through his hair as he headed for the docks to meet his team for the day. 

Rei had said that he would bring better equipment today - and Haru found himself placing far too much importance on the hope that Rei wouldn’t forget about it. This was just as important to them as it was to Haru. They all wanted to make some sort of breakthrough in the world of marine biology. 

At least, Haru thought that he had. He didn’t know what he thought anymore. His thoughts over the last 24 hours had been consumed by his merman, wanting to see him again, wondering if he was okay. Wondering if he had scared the merman off. He hoped that he hadn’t. 

But just in case he was scared again… Haru brought his camera. He simply had to get a picture of him today. And he had to find out his name. 

His camera bumped against his chest as he climbed onto the boat. He couldn’t quite tell if anyone was here or not - not until Nagisa approached him. “‘Morning, Haru-chan!” he signed enthusiastically, which Haru returned with a small wave. Haru had never heard Nagisa’s voice before, but he’d always imagined it as rather high-pitched. Nagisa was always excited, no matter the occasion. Sometimes, he found himself wishing he could not only see that excitement, but hear it as well. 

Towards the front of the small boat, Rei and Rin were talking, but their lips were moving too fast for Haru to read. He elected to fall back and wait with Nagisa. At least they’d be ready to go soon, meaning he’d see his merman again. Hopefully. 

Rin gave his usual thumbs up before starting the boat off. Haru sat down on the edge, giving a soft sigh. He loved the smell of sea air, the feeling of the salty air blowing through his hair. The only thing he liked better was actually being in the ocean. 

Once they were on their steady way towards their location from the day before, Rei took a seat next to Haru, balancing a book on his knees. “What do you think you saw yesterday, Haru?” he asked curiously, head tilted to the side. 

Haru faltered. He knew what he saw yesterday, but he still wasn’t quite sure that he wanted to divulge that information. He gave a noncommittal shrug. “Maybe it was just some big fish. I don’t know. Merpeople aren’t even real, why are we looking for them?” He tried to come off as nonchalant as possible - luckily, Haru was nonchalant by nature so it seemed that Rei thought nothing of it. 

“Well, we might as well keep looking… according to this book, merpeople can be found about 70 - 80 feet in, which is about where you were yesterday….” Haru was unable to understand the rest, as Rei turned his attention back to the book and Haru could no longer read his lips.  
Haru turned his attention to his camera, and for a moment, he fiddled with the waterproof casing to ensure that it stayed on. He couldn’t miss the chance to get a picture. He had to. He just hoped that it wouldn’t scare the merman away if he tried to do so. He remembered how skittish the merman had been. Even so much as a touch had scared him away. But this time, Haru was going to be careful. 

Rin hadn’t missed Haru’s camera, though. “Are you going to take pictures today?” he asked, pulling his gaze from the water to catch Haru’s. 

Haru nodded. “A few, yeah.” He didn’t want to give out too much information, but luckily for him, Rin didn’t press the topic. If anyone would be suspicious of him, Haru knew it would be Rin. He took in a deep breath, fidgeting with his camera before the boat came to a stop. 

“Alright, Haru, these are the exact coordinates of where we were before,” Rei piped in, giving Haru a slight smile. “Do you need anyone to go in with you?” 

Haru shook his head quickly, electing instead to just pull on his mask. Nagisa jumped up, saying something before hurrying to a small tank located at the back of the boat. So Rei had gotten better equipment. He’d seen this one before, but never used it - the oxygen supply would be linked to Haru, giving him nearly unlimited time in the water. Nagisa held up five fingers - five hours, they would wait - and Haru gave him a thumbs up. Five hours was more than enough. 

Haru wasted no time in diving into the water, but this time, he didn’t give himself a chance to relax. He needed to see the merman again. He was nervous - what if Haru had scared him away completely, and he had no plans of coming back? 

He clutched his camera like a security blanket, keeping it close to his chest as his gaze swept the ocean before him. He had to be here somewhere. His heart skipped a beat every time he saw even the slightest flash of blue - but so far, nothing. 

Until what he saw when he turned around made him drop his camera to his chest. 

He had turned around to look in another direction, but mere centimeters from his face was none other than his merman. It was obvious that the merman had no sense of personal space, but Haru couldn’t find it in himself to care. The merman gingerly reached out to touch Haru’s face. A fingertip skimmed across Haru’s cheek, and immediately, he yanked it back. 

His curiosity was endearing. Haru froze, staying as still as he possibly could, as if merely breathing would send the merman away. His eyes were expressive - they were wide with interest, sparkling with excitement as he reached out tentatively again. The smile upon his lips was contagious. 

Haru’s heart hammered wildly against his ribcage. “What is your name?” he mouthed. The mermaid repealed his hand, head tilted to the side. Dark brown locks floated about the merman’s head. He chewed his lower lip. Maybe the merman didn’t actually understand him. Surely, the merpeople spoke an entirely different language than humans. That would make sense, Haru thought. 

The merman didn’t move away. He trailed his finger down the slope of Haru’s nose, which brought a slight blush to the human’s cheeks. This all seemed so… intimate. But in a way, it was like interacting with a child. He knew nothing of humans, that much was obvious, and Haru wanted to teach him everything that he possibly could. 

Haru held his breath as those inquisitive fingers trailed down his jawline, down the path of his neck, settling on his collarbones. The merman rested his other hand on his own collarbones, and his eyes widened. Haru could have melted right then and there. Innocent was the only word that he could think of. It was all so endearing, Haru didn’t know what to do with himself. 

The merman looked up at Haru, a bright grin settling across his lips. He looked so pleased, and it made Haru feel weak. He couldn’t help but return the smile. 

Bravely, Haru lifted his camera. He needed to get a picture of this. He wanted to remember this forever. “Can I… take a picture?” he asked shyly, in the hopes that the merman would understand. 

Haru couldn’t tell if his reaction was positive or negative - his gaze fixed on the camera, eyebrows furrowed. Haru swallowed. He could try, at least. He raised the camera to his eyes and clicked the shutter. 

The flash went off, and just as quickly, the merman was gone. 

Haru saw the last flash of his tail and cursed himself internally. He hadn’t even thought about the flash. He cycled through the pictures on the camera with trembling fingers. There it was. 

It was over-exposed and bright, but he could see a blur of brown hair and skin. And barely, just barely… where his torso met his fin. It shone brighter than any other part of the picture. He felt sick. He just wanted the merman to come back. Every inch that had known the merman’s touch felt as if it were on fire. Gingerly, he touched his own collarbone. 

He was definitely in too deep. 

The rest of his time was spent exploring, but it was a half-hearted effort. He couldn’t think about anything but the merman whose name he still didn’t know. He took a few pictures of various things, just to make it seem like he’d done something.

He was grateful once it was time to return to the surface. Being in the ocean somehow didn’t feel right without the merman there with him. He felt winded. He’d heard about the effect of merpeople on humans, but he’d never believed it. He wanted to believe that all of this was genuine - but maybe his genuine interest was exacerbated by the merman’s abilities. 

Either way, Haru just wanted to go back and be with him. 

This time, it was Rin who helped him back into the boat. “Coming back up already? It’s only been four hours,” he asked, one hand taking Haru’s and the other supporting his arm as he was pulled back up. 

Rin had always watched out for Haru - he’d been the one to keep Haru safe ever since they’d finished their marine biology degrees. He’d been the first to learn sign language of their group, and he’d taught both Rei and Nagisa sign language. He’d had Haru’s back, no matter what, and that worried Haru. He’d be the first to know that Haru was hiding something, whether Haru wanted him to know or not. 

He yanked off his mask once he was safely on the boat, taking in a deep, shuddering breath. “Yeah… I think I found enough. I’ll send them to you guys when I get home.” Haru had always been protective over his camera. The others had learned better to try to take it from him, and he couldn’t have possibly been more grateful for that than he was right now. 

Rin nodded, reaching a hand up to rake his fingers through his crimson locks before turning to Rei and Nagisa. “Same place tomorrow?” 

If there was anything Haru could count on Rin for, it was that Rin would personally ensure that Haru got everything he wanted. He would make personally sure that they came back to this exact location if it was what would make Haru happy. 

And it definitely was. Haru nodded. “Please.” He gave Rin a slight smile. 

Once they returned to shore, they each parted their separate ways - Rei and Nagisa went towards Rei’s home, and Rin hurried to catch up to Haru. “Is everything okay?” he asked after placing a hand on Haru’s shoulder to catch his attention. 

Haru was always grateful for the fact that Rin never forgot to use sign language with him - but he was definitely more used to it than Rei or Nagisa. He nodded. “Yeah. I got some good pictures of things that might be merpeople, but… I’m not too sure.” 

Rin grinned. “I knew we could count on you.” He paused, lips parting as if he was going to speak. But it seemed that he thought better of it. “See you tomorrow, Haru.” 

Haru waved in return, and once Rin was out of eyesight, he hurried as quickly as he possibly could to his house. He had to see that picture again. 

And the moment he got home, that was exactly what he did - he printed out the picture, taping it to the wall beside his bed. While that blur meant nothing to anyone but him, it meant everything to him. He sat cross-legged on his bed, lips set in a firm line. 

Tomorrow, he wouldn’t scare the merman away. Tomorrow, he’d talk to him, or find some way to. He was learning every day, and tomorrow, he was going to make the very most of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay for hinted rinharu c; 
> 
> if any of you guys have tumblr, come talk to me about this fanfic because it's taking up my entire life.   
> http://sullaye.tumblr.com


	3. iii.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru tries to find a way to communicate with his merman, and someone finds out.

Haru didn't think he'd gotten a solid hour of sleep that night. 

He was up and down, his mind racing a mile a minute. He couldn't think about anything but his merman. He'd been researching, thinking, looking at his picture, everything but sleeping. 

And now that it was morning, he sat in his bath tub, precious Polaroid in hand. It was incredible just how much a few coloured blurs meant to him. He took in a deep breath. He'd see him again today. 

Haru's hair was still wet from the bath when he reached the docks. But Rin was the only one there. He was quick to greet his best friend. "Haru! 'Morning!" 

Haru smiled, signing back a slightly less enthusiastic greeting. He wished Rei and Nagisa would hurry up and get there - he had every intention of staying under for as long as he possibly could, and he didn't want to be under once the sun went down. "Where are the others?" Haru asked. 

Rin shrugged. "Rei said that he would be late... I think Nagisa's with him." Haru raised his eyebrows. He'd assumed something was going on between the two, but this was a little obvious, especially for Rei. But he wouldn't question. He was in love with a merman, after all. 

Haru nodded though, electing to keep quiet. He hadn’t bothered with clothes this morning - just a t-shirt and his swim trunks was enough. But he slipped his shirt off, just as he always did the moment his feet touched the boat, and dropped it to the floor, crawling onto the edge of the boat and letting his legs dangle over the edge. This was usually his way of letting the others know that he didn’t want to be disturbed. He was facing away from them, meaning that he couldn’t understand what they were saying unless they actually reached for him and turned him around. And most of the time, they didn’t do that. 

He chewed his lower lip, looking out onto the glistening ocean. All thoughts of his merman aside, the ocean truly was his favourite place in the world. He was jealous of the creatures that inhabited it, not ever having to worry about the trivial matters of being a land-dweller. He pulled one knee to his chest, resting his chin on it. 

The boat came to a steady halt, and Haru was all too quick to jump to his feet in preparation to jump into the water. He was hardly patient enough to wait to be hooked up to the gear he needed - the moment he was, he dove in head-first. 

He couldn’t stay in long today, he knew; he had school work to do this afternoon. Haru was more than willing to give all that up for some time with the mysterious merman, but he knew he had to keep his priorities straight. But, it was definitely hard to convince himself that the merman shouldn’t be his priority. 

This time, his merman didn’t hide.   
Haru felt as if he had only been in the water for seconds before his merman found him. He couldn’t help but wonder if he’d waited for Haru. The thought made his heart flutter. 

Haru offered him a gentle smile. There had to be a way to talk to him. He probably didn’t know Japanese, but… an idea struck him. There had to be a way that the merpeople communicated without speech. 

“What’s your name? I’m Haru,” he signed. 

But there was no response. The merman tilted his head to the side, and Haru signed with resignation. How was he going to be able to talk to him? Surely, the merpeople had to have some kind of non-verbal communication. 

Haru chewed his lower lip. If they couldn’t talk… Haru was going to teach him. He gestured to himself, followed by the sign of his name; he formed the sign for H with one hand, creating waves with both. 

The merman seemed to catch on. He repeated the sign, then gestured to Haru. The dark haired boy grinned. When was the last time he’d smiled this much? His heart felt as if it might beat straight out of his chest. He nodded. 

But he had no way of knowing the merman’s name. Haru pressed his fingertips to his lips, thinking for a moment. But after a moment, he spelled out his name with the sign language alphabet, rather than the sign he’d been given as a child. 

The merman’s eyes widened, recognition flickering across his features. He signed a few letters - the signs were mostly the same as the sign language Haru had been raised on, but not entirely. 

“Makoto.” Haru spoke the word aloud - though he couldn’t hear it, and the other likely couldn’t either, he found some kind of solace in the way the name rolled off his tongue. It was a Japanese name, at least; he couldn’t help but wonder if there was some sort of human influence on the merpeople in this particular part of the ocean. 

Makoto grinned, nodding his head. He brushed the dark brown hair framing his chiseled cheekbones away from his face, giving Haru a better excuse to admire every feature. Haru couldn’t stop himself from staring. 

He finally had a name. His merman had some sort of depth to him now. He didn’t feel quite so much like a fantasy. He was real. 

Haru decided to venture on and try signing something else. There were obvious similarities in their language, and he couldn’t help but hope that the similarities would be enough that they could communicate. “Can you understand what I’m saying?” he signed, waiting with bated breath for Makoto’s response. 

But Makoto shook his head sadly, not so much in response to Haru’s question as it was that he obviously didn’t understand what Haru was saying. Haru let out his pent up breath in a sigh, a hand reaching up to rake through his hair. 

Makoto seemed discouraged, but Haru wasn’t about to give up. He would teach Makoto sign language if he had to. Bottom lip clenched between his teeth, Haru reached out for Makoto bravely. Despite the brief exchange, touches seemed to tell them more about each other than anything else. 

But Makoto beat him to it. Makoto’s hand came up to rest upon Haru’s cheek, a gentle smile crossing Makoto’s lips. Haru averted the other’s gaze, heart hammering against his ribs. He never wanted this moment to end. He wanted to touch Makoto, memorize every pore and every bump of his skin. 

The contact ended all too quickly - too quickly for Haru to react. Makoto was gone in the blink of an eye, leaving Haru stunned. Had he done something wrong? He whipped around, but he didn’t see anything. He was left painfully alone in the depths of the ocean. Makoto was gone. So much as the thought of such brought a lump to the back of Haru’s throat. 

Their time together had always been fleeting, but that didn’t make things any easier. As a matter of fact, it only seemed to be getting harder. He wanted to find a way to keep Makoto around longer. Makoto. He said the name once again, tasting the name upon his tongue rather than hearing it. He found himself smiling once more, hiding it behind his hand despite the fact that no one could see it. 

He forced himself to return to the surface. He’d long since learned that once Makoto disappeared, he wasn’t coming back. But he’d proven to Haru that he had every intention of being there when Haru came back the next day. Haru just hoped that he hadn’t scared Makoto off so often that he wouldn’t come back. 

Haru broke the surface of the water, but almost immediately, he wished that he hadn’t. The other three were chattering away as they reached out for him, seemingly all forgetting that Haru couldn’t hear a word they were saying. 

He focused on Rin, the one whose lips he had the most practice reading - and he definitely saw the word ‘mermaid.’ 

Haru felt as if his heart had turned to lead and sunk to the bottom of his stomach. Had one of them followed him? He climbed back onto the boat, gasping for breath as he unattached the oxygen tank from his suit. 

“Rin saw your mermaid, Haru-chan!” Nagisa exclaimed immediately, only confirming Haru’s fears. So one of them had gone down after him. 

His eyes narrowed in Rin’s general direction, and the redhead immediately gripped Haru’s shoulders. Haru’s gaze fixed on the other’s lips as he spoke. “Haru, do you realize what you’ve discovered? We could make so much money off this! We could be discovered, and get so much more funding, and--”

“I don’t want anyone to know.” His wet hands slapped against each other as he signed rather aggressively. It wasn’t very often that Haru put his foot down, but with this, he had to. He knew what everyone’s intentions had been all along. Everyone wanted the exposure - that they were the group who had discovered merpeople. It would be nothing but good for them. They’d finally be able to explore the deep ocean like they’d wanted to all this time. Haru would be able to stay in the water for hours upon hours, just like all of his wildest dreams. 

He’d have so much opportunity to really explore. 

But that didn’t mean that he wanted Makoto and his family to be subject to the gawking eyes of the general public. They would capture Makoto, maybe put him in an aquarium, in a glass box where everyone could watch him, tap the glass to get his attention, ogle at him from behind the glass. The thought angered Haru. Makoto wasn’t an animal, and he wasn’t going to let anyone treat him like one. 

“We can’t tell anyone. The merpeople need to be protected. They don’t need to be around humans.” Haru was firm in his beliefs, which seemed to shock the other three. Haru had always been a carefree person. His utmost concern was getting to be in the water, and he’d had more than enough opportunities to do that. But for once, he felt passionate about something. About someone. 

Rei and Nagisa moved back to give Haru space, and immediately, Haru took that chance to get up and move away from them. He just wanted to be back home. “I don’t know why you guys didn’t trust me to do this on my own. Why did you have to come down there?” 

Rin was obviously taken aback by Haru’s abruptness. “Because you weren’t telling us anything! We didn’t know what was going on down there!” he exclaimed. 

Haru sighed, rubbing his face with both hands. “I didn’t say anything because I knew this would happen. All you guys are here for is the money and the exposure!” 

“You used to want the same thing, Haru,” Rei finally spoke up. Though Haru couldn’t hear his voice, he knew he was speaking gently. He was good at being the mediator, but Haru was beyond the point of being calmed down. 

Part of him wished that he’d never gotten into this, but he also couldn’t imagine what he would be doing if he hadn’t met Makoto. Haru shook his head, sitting on the edge of the boat. But he didn’t bother trying to face the others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this one took so long - I've been so busy and stressed and wow I'm sorry. But they'll be a lot more regular from now on.


	4. iv.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru tries to do what's best - not so much for him, but for Makoto.

The ocean was so much colder when it was dark outside. 

Haru could barely see. The only light he had was that of his flashlight, and that barely seemed to do him any good. He’d borrowed his oxygen tank and gear from the boat, sneaking it out to the water and swimming all the way to their usual spot. 

It had been a long swim, but it needed to be done. He needed to talk to Makoto - he needed to scare him away. The mere thought made his heart clench, but he couldn’t let Makoto be caught by the others. Haru knew that the others had good intentions - they had been dreaming of this for years, after all. All of them had. It wouldn’t only benefit them, it would benefit Haru as well. 

But it would ruin Makoto’s life, and Haru couldn’t have that on his conscience. The merpeople had gone undiscovered for probably thousands of years. He couldn’t take that away from them. He couldn’t be the reason they were in captivity. He had to get Makoto away from there. He couldn’t be there when they came back today. 

And sure enough, there was Makoto. The merman squinted against the milky beam of the flashlight, but he still seemed elated to see Haru - just as elated as Haru had felt before feeling the crushing reality that he couldn’t let himself see Makoto again. 

“Haru!” Enthusiastically, Makoto signed Haru’s name just as Haru had taught him the day before. A stubborn lump formed in the back of Haru’s throat. He couldn’t believe how emotional he was about this - he didn’t need to be. He hardly knew Makoto. Makoto was supposed to be a scientific discovery. He was supposed to be the single thing that made Haru’s career. 

Haru didn’t care at this point that Makoto couldn’t understand him. He had to get this out. He had to scare Makoto away - for his own good. “You need to leave, Makoto. You can’t come back here to see me anymore. My friends want to catch you - they want to show the world that you’re here and that can’t happen. I can’t let that happen! You have to leave!” 

Makoto’s eyes widened. Haru couldn’t tell if he understood what he was saying or not, and honestly, he didn’t want to know. He hadn’t realized that he was crying until his vision blurred, and he was no longer able to gauge Makoto’s reactions. He didn’t think the feelings would hit him so hard - they were ones that he’d been bottling up for so long that it took only a second for them all to spill over. It was almost scary how much importance he’d placed on Makoto in such a short time. He’d learned to adapt to the world around him, reading people’s lips who refused to learn sign language or even attempt to understand it, putting on subtitles for the television. His entire life had depended on him changing for other people. 

But he didn’t feel that way with Makoto. Makoto was truly curious about him without Haru having to behave any differently than he normally would. Maybe to other people, the difference between signing and reading lips was trivial. But it was everything to Haru. Being able to be himself, being able to let himself be enveloped whole by someone else and not have to worry about how he was acting… it was something he didn’t know if he’d ever feel again. And it was hard to let that go. 

He clamped his hand over his trembling lips, and he bowed his head. He didn’t want Makoto to see him like this. He felt silly. Even Rin, Nagisa, and Rei had hardly ever seen Haru cry. But his life had changed so much in the few days that he’d known Makoto. 

Much to Haru’s surprise, he felt arms wrap around him. They draped over Haru’s shoulders, Makoto’s chin resting on Haru’s head. The feeling only made Haru cry harder. It wasn’t until then that he realized he’d been holding these feelings in for too long - these feelings of frustration that he was so unlike everyone else, that he was so incredibly frustrated by the world and by his own lack of ability to understand, by everyone else’s inability to understand him. 

But Makoto seemed to understand without words or signs. Haru couldn’t bring himself to return the embrace. He couldn’t encourage Makoto to stay around. If Makoto stayed around, Haru would lose him forever. He’d be able to see him again, of course - but at what cost? At the cost of Makoto’s freedom? 

Haru pulled himself from Makoto’s grip quite reluctantly. He swallowed hard, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. “Do you know what I just said to you?” he asked, unable to will himself to look up. He didn’t want to know the answer. He didn’t want to have to explain it again, but he didn’t want to live with the fact that he’d hurt Makoto like that. 

Makoto reached out to take Haru’s face in his hands, gently coercing his head up to force their gazes to meet. Haru’s eyes still sparkled with tears, and judging by the look on Makoto’s face, he didn’t understand. He still seemed as cheerful as usual, but his eyes were full with concern. It was obvious that he was worried about Haru, but Haru didn’t want him to be. 

The merman leaned forward and did something that surprised Haru completely - he brushed his lips across Haru’s forehead, that smile that Haru loved so much settling across his lips again. But Haru couldn’t allow himself to enjoy it. Makoto didn’t know that Haru needed him to leave. He didn’t know the danger that he was in. 

But as worried as Haru was, he was selfish. He couldn’t bring himself to pull away from Makoto, not even for a second. He felt even more comforted than he thought he’d ever felt in his life. Now that he had grown so painfully dependent on the fact that Makoto would be here waiting for him, he didn’t know how he’d be able to handle being alone again. 

Haru’s hands came to rest on Makoto’s chest, seeking every little bit of contact that he possibly could. And for once, Makoto didn’t flinch. Everything suddenly felt so natural. It had all happened so quickly - but it felt real, like things were meant to be this way. 

He had to remind himself that they weren’t. He shouldn’t be encouraging this. But it was so damn hard not to. He pulled away again, conflicted beyond belief. His mind told him one thing, but his heart told him another, and he knew which one he should listen to - but it wasn’t the one that he wanted to listen to. 

He gave it another try. He gestured to Makoto, putting a hand on his chest and then pointing in the opposite direction. Fresh tears sprung to his eyelids. Makoto had to understand this. 

But he didn’t. Not yet. Makoto’s eyebrows furrowed, and he reached out for Haru.

Haru moved back. He shook his head. His lower lip quivered as, once again, he pointed in the other direction. He gave Makoto a stony look, which made the young merman flinch. It was obvious that he’d been instilled with a fear of humans, and rightfully so. Haru was just going to end up doing everything that Makoto had likely been warned of. 

Haru turned his back to Makoto. He still didn’t know if Makoto understood or not - and honestly, he didn’t want to know. He just hoped that, by leaving, Makoto would get the point. 

But it didn’t seem that way. Makoto swam after him, grabbing Haru’s shoulder. Even just that was nearly enough to make Haru cave, but he couldn’t let himself. He had to be strong, if only for Makoto. 

Haru pulled himself away and started to move away slowly. He couldn’t bring himself to go straight back to the surface, not yet. He hated knowing that he’d upset Makoto. He could see it in his eyes that he was upset. But it was better this way, Haru told himself. Makoto would be safe. 

Makoto didn’t come after him. Haru allowed himself the quickest glance back, and immediately wished that he hadn’t. Makoto was enveloped in a shroud of fish, to the point where all Haru could see was a sliver of that brilliant blue tail. 

And then, it hit him. He’d read about the cries of merpeople, how they were able to communicate with sea creatures. Ordinarily, Haru would be able to hear it. His heart sank to the point that he felt nauseous. He pulled his eyes away. He’d made Makoto cry. Makoto was upset, and it was all Haru’s fault. And that in itself was too hard to think about. 

He just hoped that Makoto understood.

**Author's Note:**

> so i have literally no idea how long this is going to end up being - but i promise i'll update at least once a week. c; thank you in advance for reading this, i'm pretty excited.


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